To Procrastinate or…

I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~Douglas Adams

Confession: I am a procrastinator!

There I said it. I am a procrastinator and I am good at it. I will find so many other things to do other than what I am supposed to be doing.

But why?

I worry while I am procrastinating. I know that in the back of my mind it would be easier to just do what I am supposed to be doing but I do not, I continue putting thing after thing in front of the main project. Then once I have hit that moment of panicked anxiety, that inevitably comes, and I finish the project I am relieved, wonder why I waited so long, and say “I will not procrastinate again! I will accomplish my tasks and enjoy my down time after, instead of worrying!” One day I hope that I can actually live up to those statements.

A perfect example of my procrastination: I should be either working on projects for work or going to bed so that I can get up early tomorrow and work on them. Deadline for these projects is Wednesday July 12. This deadline ensures that everything will be submitted and there will still be ample time edit or resubmit if there is something wrong. Now there are 6 projects and each project has multiple parts (creating charts, graphs, summaries, logs etc.). So naturally you would think, “hey lets get these all out of the way” but for me that has been a big NOPE. Now I have had these assigned projects since the middle of June and there have been some legitimate reasons that I was not able to accomplish them then (family in the hospital) but since then I have had plenty of time to do them. However the siren’s call of enjoying things (sleeping in, staying up late, reading non work related books) has caused me to yet again procrastinate. Now I am not saying that I should not enjoy these things, because what is life without enjoyment, it is not life. Even as I sit here writing, my cat is curled next to me, and Criminal Minds is playing in the background.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?!

One problem is I feel like I need that stressor, I need to be in a near anxiety fueled, deadline pressure setting in order to work. (Which for someone struggling with anxiety this is not an overly healthy thing)

Another reason is that I know I can. That is the biggest problem! I have my procrastination pattern down to almost a science. I can tell you with some certainty what I will do to procrastinate, how I will dislike myself, and when the absolute crushing need to work will set in. Applying this to the current situation means that tomorrow night I will begin to feel that pressure and I will begin to sit down, finish the organizing I need to maximize work time and then Sunday morning I will wake up anxious to begin. Everything will be organized edited and submitted either late Tuesday night or early Wednesday. Then will come the waiting to see what needs to be changed/edited, after final submission I will have a couple days to breathe and relax. Then it will all start over again.

Maybe next time I will beat procrastination!

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That Took Longer Than Expected

Good Morning,

Last time I wrote I wrote that more would be “coming soon,” I had every intention of posting more content by the end of that week; however as some of you may have noticed that did not happen. There are multiple reasons for that, the biggest one was that I came down with a severe case of pneumonia that almost put me in the hospital. I was originally diagnosed as having another round of bronchitis (I had bronchitis, ear infection, & sinus infection, all at the same time in January), however after almost a week on the prescriptions for bronchitis and I was feeling like I was drowning. Long story short (well less long anyway) I managed to see a doctor I trusted and was put on the right medications. It is now two and half months later and I still have the cough, but am feeling much much better.

In the past few months since I wrote a lot has happened. I got to take my first trip as a coach to our academic team, I celebrated graduation with our seniors, as my first year teaching came to a close, which means I SURVIVED my first year teaching! (More reflection on that later) My father had surgery and is recovering at my house, and I FINALLY read “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child”

Now to start you should probably know that I love the Harry Potter books. I have not seen all the movies, I stopped after watching the Goblet of Fire. This is my absolute favorite book and I felt that while the movie was good it did not do the book justice.

Anyway moving on to the book/script. It has taken me a long time to sit down and read this particular book, it represents a lot more than just another part of the Potter franchise. This was the last event I would work at a book company that I spent 15+ years working for. I purchased it at the end of the midnight release party and it sat on my bookshelf, and then in a box during moving, and then again on a bookshelf. It was shortly after the release that I would resign my position and take on a brand new career as a teacher. Surprisingly a lot that I learned in the retail world has translated well into education.

I have a couple comments (this should be short), about “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” so if you have not read it or you have no desire to read my comments please skip the next part.

 

Albus Severus Potter: Slytherin. People seemed genuinely surprised by this….. Why?

Albus Severus Potter aka A.S.P.

Asp: a small southern European viper with an upturned snout, another term for Egyptian Cobra

Now I have avoided head-cannons spoilers, memes, and the lot because I was taking so long in reading this, so I do not know how much this point has been covered, however every friend I have mentioned this to looks at me like I just blew their minds, apparently they had not noticed his initials before.

In all honestly I liked this book/script but I found it very predictable in many ways. They change time so of course there are going to be consequences (such as people never being born), of course they go back and try to fix it, only to wind up in even more trouble. The fact that Harry has less problems connecting with the son named after his father, than the son named after Dumbledore & Snape. Lets be honest, Harry had trouble connecting in some ways with both men, and this kid has three HUGE legacies to live up to in his name, talk about pressure, but that would be his curse wouldn’t it.

Overall this was not a bad script, I know some people did not like it because it was in script form but I love scripts so it did not bother me. The fourth act was wonderful in the way that pulled on emotions and I look forward to being able to see it in person one day.

 

So this post not only took longer than expected to get posted but also turned out to be longer than planned. Here’s hoping to more writing in the future!

 

Coming Soon…

comingsoon

It has been a long time since I have posted.

So much has happened, good, bad, weird, but mostly good. Looking back I am sometimes shocked by how much has changed and how far I have come.

I have missed writing, I have missed sharing, I missed reading, so more, as the title says will be “coming soon”

To Love Ourselves

IMG00111-20110204-1307I would like to see a love yourself movement. I do not mean a selfish, it is all about me, people should give me things, owe me things movement, in fact I believe we already have way too much of that going on in our society. I am talking about people starting to get to know and love who they are.

When I was married, I spent many hours, days, weeks etc. making sure that he knew that he was loved, that he was worth loving; but in the process I lost myself, and forgot that I was worth loving too.

After my divorce I had to rediscover who I was, and in the process I learned to love who I was, the good and the flaws. I learned a lot about myself, this knowledge helped me to care less about what others opinions of me were, and my health and outlook on life improved.

Yet with the busyness of life, I have let that love and care for myself slip away. I find myself waking up grumpy in the morning, people’s opinions of me have become more important than they should, and my insecurities have skyrocketed. I have resorted back to bad habits, habits that make me feel sluggish, drained and make me feel even worse about myself. I have started missing who I was, when I loved me, I miss the fun and confidence, I miss me!

I was talking with a close friend over dinner, and I mentioned this to her. We talked about how I have found myself drowning in clutter, in things that I thought would make me happy by buying them, but how that feeling was fleeting, how I have taken to eating “special treats” that I did not really want, that left me feeling empty. How important other people’s opinions of me had seemed to become. I was surprised when she nodded and agreed, she had recently been struggling with similar issues. As we talked about this I told her I just want to love me again! I and you and she are worth knowing, we all have something good about us. We should love ourselves. How are we supposed to show others and the world around us love and kindness if we do not even show ourselves those things?

Loving ourselves is not an easy thing to do. We must love not only the good, positive, glowing things about us; but we must embrace those dark recesses of our failures, scars, fears and imperfections that we so desperately try to hide from the world around us. This can sometimes be a daunting task; it seems it is easier, at times, to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. Unless we forgive ourselves, accept, even love our flaws, and embrace ourselves, it is hard to let someone else embrace us. Yet by loving ourselves maybe we will be able to love other people, even love their insecurities, flaws, and scars, to love them just the way they are.

So today I am going to start loving me, I am worth my love. I will embrace my insecurities, love my attributes, and relearn what makes me happy. It is not always easy, and there will be times that fail, or slide backwards, but I know that in the end I am worth it.

Books…

I have learned there are two types of people in the world, book people and non-book people, and there are all sorts of people that make up those two groups. I fall squarely into the book people category. I love books, I have great memories of reading books with my family. I just do not understand a life without books, without the escape, adventure, history, that they offer.

I received a gift the other day and it was a book. Now as most book people will understand, this present should not be that much of surprise, but it really was. The reason that it was a surprise was because of the friend who gave it to me. See, he falls into the non-book category. He reads lots of technical stuff for work, so he is not all that interested in reading in his downtime. When I met him and found out he was a non-book person, I did what most book people do and I tried recommending a couple books that I think (and still do) that he’d enjoy. However I learned from my past, (my ex was a non-book person) that pushing non-book people with books, only frustrates everyone, so I stopped pushing the subject.

The other night he pulled me aside and handed me a book, we had been talking about it a few nights prior to that and he was excited about it. I know this might seem silly to some, but to me, his giving me that book was a special gift.This was a book that moved him and he chose to share it with me.

Today has been…

Well hard probably is not the word I’m looking for, it has been a slightly difficult day. I have had much harder ones. I’m feeling very melancholy this evening. It has been a pretty good day overall, work went well, and much was accomplished, dinner with one of my best friends, meaning lots of laughing.  However tonight I’m just bleh. The problem is I’m missing my mom.

A friend of mine once told me it is the second year that is so much harder than the first. The first year is hard, but you still have the “shock” of them being gone, but by the second year it has sunk in that they are not here and that they will not be again. This will be the second Christmas without my mom. It seems so much harder this year. I find things that she would have loved and it tears at me, tonight I was preparing my Christmas baking list and it just struck me how much I miss her.

Some of my earliest memories are of Christmas, with my family, but especially my mom. We would be in the kitchen baking, rolling out and cutting cookies. She always gave me my choice of cookie cutters, even the HUGE angel. I realize now, as an adult, how difficult that particular cookie is to cut and move to a baking sheet without it breaking apart in some way; yet she did not complain about it, although I do every time I make it now (yes I still have all the cookie cutters that my mom and my grandmother used over the years). I loved being in the kitchen with her, baking cookies, pies, and fudge, they are some of my favorite Christmas memories. I used to love when she would make gingerbread men and we would decorate them and hang them on the Christmas tree (they never did make it till Christmas; they were just too deliciously good).

I love my job this time of year, but this year I have been struggling. I see moms with their daughters, or shopping for their daughters or vice versa and it brings me to the brink of tears. I want to tell them to hold on a little longer, smile a little more, let the arguments go, because in the end they all seem pretty petty, to enjoy that time with their mom as much as they can.

Black Friday… and its aftermath…

Ah the Tuesday after Black Friday… I’m exhausted! Between work, school and family I am ready for a day off… However I have finals I should be studying for. Instead I thought I would write about Black Friday. (I could write a whole book on procrastinating… and one day I just might!)

I work retail so Black Friday and the “first” shopping weekend of the season tend to be, as one would expect, the most busy, insane days of the year; they also happen to be my favorite days to work. Now most people think that I am being sarcastic when I say that, but I’m not, I honestly enjoy working Black Friday. Now I have been in retail for a while, this is actually my 14th holiday season, and out of that I have worked 12 Black Fridays, I actually volunteer to work opening shifts. What can I say? No one ever said I was the sanest person around (one look at my class load would tell you I’m a little nuts). For me working is fun, I actually enjoy my customers, and most of their challenging requests. My store does not open Thanksgiving night, we do not open at 3am, so we have it pretty easy.

One thing I find interesting is how little anger there is. Turn on a TV on BF or the days surrounding it and the news is filled with fights, brawls, arrests, shootings, muggings, theft, and the list continues, yet, where I have worked, most of my customers say hello, wait in line (reasonably patiently), they do not push or shove. Do not get me wrong, I did have a couple cranky customers on BF, one was just going to be angry no matter what we did, and the other was angry cause she did not plan properly and we were out of what she was looking for, she however, decided to take me up on the offer to order the item she was looking for and eventually left a little happier than when she came in; however the majority of my customers are not blood thirsty, push you out of the way, stampede you to death people. I do not understand the people I see on TV. Is hurting someone, getting arrested or something else really worth saving 50$-100$ on a TV or gaming system? Is this mentality that I see on TV really how the majority of people that shop on BF think? Or is it just the constant replaying of these actions on the 24hr news stations that make it seem that way?

So today is Tuesday after BF and our shelves are not bare but we sold quite a bit. So today and the rest of this week will be the restocking of merchandise to make sure we are fully stocked for the next 20something shopping days that remain. I’m exhausted but happy, we were able to get quite a few things donated to the Toys for Tots program, and judging by the way our sale items have flown off the shelves, and our sales numbers, I’m guessing we kept our customers happy. That is always my biggest goal, having my customers get the item(s) they are looking for, get the best deal possible, and that they have as smooth and quick transaction as possible. I know that I sound like some kind of ad, but it’s true, I want my customers to be happy, I want to treat them the way I wish I was treated in other stores.