Today has been…

Well hard probably is not the word I’m looking for, it has been a slightly difficult day. I have had much harder ones. I’m feeling very melancholy this evening. It has been a pretty good day overall, work went well, and much was accomplished, dinner with one of my best friends, meaning lots of laughing.  However tonight I’m just bleh. The problem is I’m missing my mom.

A friend of mine once told me it is the second year that is so much harder than the first. The first year is hard, but you still have the “shock” of them being gone, but by the second year it has sunk in that they are not here and that they will not be again. This will be the second Christmas without my mom. It seems so much harder this year. I find things that she would have loved and it tears at me, tonight I was preparing my Christmas baking list and it just struck me how much I miss her.

Some of my earliest memories are of Christmas, with my family, but especially my mom. We would be in the kitchen baking, rolling out and cutting cookies. She always gave me my choice of cookie cutters, even the HUGE angel. I realize now, as an adult, how difficult that particular cookie is to cut and move to a baking sheet without it breaking apart in some way; yet she did not complain about it, although I do every time I make it now (yes I still have all the cookie cutters that my mom and my grandmother used over the years). I loved being in the kitchen with her, baking cookies, pies, and fudge, they are some of my favorite Christmas memories. I used to love when she would make gingerbread men and we would decorate them and hang them on the Christmas tree (they never did make it till Christmas; they were just too deliciously good).

I love my job this time of year, but this year I have been struggling. I see moms with their daughters, or shopping for their daughters or vice versa and it brings me to the brink of tears. I want to tell them to hold on a little longer, smile a little more, let the arguments go, because in the end they all seem pretty petty, to enjoy that time with their mom as much as they can.